The flesh is willing, but

The flesh is willing, but the spirit weak

Well, something like that if you understand that by "flesh" I mean my mind ... what bothers me, is that I find it relatively easy to reach the correct decision - the proper frame of mind - mentally. But it takes a mental effort against my spirit - against my first gut reaction - and that seems unnatural. In a word, it seems "wrong."

Why should I have to think to love - to care? Shouldn't that be your natural state? Is this me? Or is this common? Or perhaps this is common, but most of us aren't watching ourselves - watching the way our minds and heart work and thus fail to recognize it? Sometimes I flatter myself and assume that I am not different - I simply know myself better than most.

Take this war, for instance. I am opposed to it. I have put a lot of emotional, mental, and even physical energy into opposing it. (Now that may have been my first mistake. I'll come back to that later.) But what is bothering me this morning is the disappointment I feel instantly as I see that "we" - the United States - is winning.

I should rejoice in what is becoming a quick victory, not because I am a citizen of the United States and this means "we" have beaten "them." Beating someone - winning this war - doesn't give me joy and shouldn't give me joy. No one wins a war. We are all losers. We simply get caught up in the apparent victory. But I should take joy in this quick victory because it will mean the killing will stop - or be greatly reduced. The brutality will stop, or be greatly reduced. The sanctions, that most brutal of weapons with unintended consequences, will stop. People will live better. People will stop killing and being killed.

For all those reasons I should take joy in a quick victory. It will, I firmly believe, mean less pain for the innocent and all are innocent. Well, less immediate pain. I have a theory, of course, that a relatively painless victory will also mean that this administration will be encouraged to do more of the same and at some point this process will become far from painless, not only for the "enemy," but for us. Ah, but having written that I see the fallacy in my thinking, for it is already far from painless for us. We merely think it is painless in the moment.

But to return - the goal should be to stop the brutality. To stop the killing. To begin the healing. The sooner, the better. We have a chance then to control what unfolds next. So there is no justification in my feeling disappointed when I see the US winning quickly and easily.

None. I know that. Mentally I accept that. But spiritually - intuitively - I am disappointed. I can only reason that the disappointment comes from a lack of a sense of justice. I believe we were and are the aggressor and such behavior should not be rewarded. So the victory is unjust.

And what is wrong with this feeling - this reasoning?

What is wrong is that I am judging. What is wrong is I have become a participant in another battle that I now see myself as losing - the battle against the war and more importantly, against those who would wage it.

What is wrong is that I have in my heart and mind established an "us vs. them" situation. What is wrong, is that I have engaged in conflict and once engaged thus,I can only see myself as a winner or a loser. My goal has been to defeat the war and those who would wage it. Victory in the war means those who wage it win - and thus, i lose.

The supreme irony is that I have become what I oppose.

That is a problem. That is why my spirit is out of sync with my flesh - and why immediate goals - defeating those who would wage a war - takes precedence over what should be my true goal, reconciliation with those who would wage war. In reconciliation both I and the others would grow. In reconciliation I plant the seeds for peace, I nurture that of God - that of Good - in everyone, myself included.

Jesus said, "love your enemies," and I use his words to create my own enemies and hate them. My enemies are those who will not hear the words of Jesus. And especially, my enemies are the hypocrites who call themselves Christians, yet ignore his words. The warriors, such as George Bush, who can, in the service of what they feel is just and right, employ violence and ignore the words of Jesus.

Their mistake is mine. My mistake theirs.

I set myself up as judge. I decide who the hypocrite is. And then I condemn him. I use all I can command in terms of my skills and knowledge to fight against this hypocrisy. And in the end, I lose the battle, and am disappointed.

Love your enemies.

That is so hard. I have sensed this problem at many stages of the struggle. I have known that I do not love George Bush. That only in the best of moments can I feel anything approaching love for George Bush - or any who support this war.

I know this is wrong. I know it is wrong on a most practical level because I know that as you fight something, you strengthen it.

So how, against the backdrop of this chaos of war can I find peace? How can I find love? How can I find my heart lifted as the end of the fighting approaches? How can I avoid this sense of injustice and disappointment that wells up inside me?

I know what I feel. I know what I should feel. I need to reconcile this strife within me before I can be peace for anyone else. Jesus, Thich Nhat Hanh, the Buddha - they are all walking in the same direction. I see their path. It looks like the right path. But I stumble down one of the many other trails into a thicket of hate and disappointment, all in the name of righteousness, and thus make the same mistake as George Bush makes when he thinks he can bring about love through hate, justice through injustice, peace through violence.

Knowing this, doesn't solve my problem. Writing this does help me know it. Perhaps sharing this will help others know it. But I think to find the love I seek to share, I have to apply this - I have to live this. I have to, in the simple words of Thich Nhat Hanh, be peace. Posted by Greg Stone at April 5, 2003 05:44 AM