July 29, 2003

More than funny

Bradie forwards this brief note and link:

Now the stuff at this site is pretty cloying: http://www.americanbridge.com/boogie2.htm When you're done click on "HOME" and watch your mouse and the clock interact.

I write about Joy. The above site exudes it! Boogie on!

Posted by Greg Stone at 07:39 AM

July 25, 2003

Ol' Jed's a terrorist!

Seems like every time I visit Aces Full (James' blog) I end up wanting to steal something from there - and sometimes do - like this mangled lyrics Web site.

There's a lifetime worth of exploring there - but I suggest it's best in small bytes - a few thousand at a time - bytes that is. I got stuck on this one author, Robert J. Pagliaro, and particularly his several takes on the "Ballad of Jed Clampett."

Here's the second verse, for example, from his "Ballad of Osma Bin Laden." (Doing a parody on bin Laden is about as difficult as i can imagine - not much humor in a guy who murders 3,000 people. But then he pulls it off. Hell, you would think with a walking joke for preident we'd laugh more - but it isn't easy to find humor in ugly, visicous little wars, or an economy in the toilet. )

Ok, just listen to the banjo, get a picture of Jed Clampett with his long rifle in your head, then substitute the bin Laden's face.

Well the next thing you know our bombs were in the air,
Qaida folk said "Bin move away from there"
Said "New York is the place you ought to be"
So he loaded up the camel and moved to NYC.
Apple, that is. Sinning fools, gir-lie bars.

But he doesn't stop there, he does another version called
"The Ballot of Jeb Bush" (Yes, the word is intended to be "ballot."

And he gives Pat Robertson both barrells - first with "Here's to you," Mr. Robertson" and later the "Ballad of Pat Robertson"

Oh hell - don't waste time here. Just scamper on over to all the links to Pagliaro's parodies. and prowl!

Thanks James.

Posted by Greg Stone at 06:17 AM | Comments (1)

July 18, 2003

Not on my plane, I hope!

Bradie forwarded this email with a "Thought you would enjoy these." We did - everyone! I suspect they are making the rounds, but I hadn't seen them and if you haven't, well have a good laugh!

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Posted by Greg Stone at 06:59 PM | Comments (1)

July 08, 2003

Now that's punny - sorry ;-(

Paul's helping me keep my perspective today by forwarding this long list of puns. (You might want to take these one at a time. I'm not responsible if you overdose!)

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

A backward poet writes inverse.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought
she'd dye.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a
spectacle of himself.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Posted by Greg Stone at 05:39 AM | Comments (1)

July 02, 2003

Move over Snoopy - competition!

Dom writes:

To honour Edward Bulwer-Lytton who wrote "It was a dark and stormy night..." the State University of California holds an annual Bulwer-Lytton contest to match his classic sentence. Among the 2003 entries were:

As a scientist Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.

Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens.

Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body to a sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.

Posted by Greg Stone at 07:49 AM